REQUIREMENTS INACTION

Lei's say lhai you're at a speed-dating event and you have an eight-minute conversation with this really attractive man/woman. You go home and just can't get your mind off of him/her. You call all your friends to gush, feeling like an animal in the wild. Helen Fisher, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University and author of Anatomy of Love, says this is not as farfetched as it may seem: "I think that you can fall in love with somebody in much less than eight minutes of conversation, but eight minutes will do. I think we are animals that were built for love at first sight. Within the animal community, it's my guess that this brain circuitry for attraction, it can be very spontaneous and we've inherited that and indeed you see evidence of this."

But how do you know if this eight-minute love-fest is real? We all want to tiptoe through the tulips and feel good, but the danger here is that we often choose either our head or our heart. Chemistry is not something that you can control. It's either there or not there. But you can use your feelings of attraction as radar. This is how we identify somebody to Scout, Sort, and Screen. It's a given! If you weren't attracted, you wouldn't be interested in them in the first place. To identify who to scout, follow your feelings of attraction. But when you're engaging them, use your head as well as your heart.

When I was first getting to know Maggie, we discovered the book Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be by Eve Eschner Hogan. We wanted to be conscious and take things one step at a time, and this book was a great asset because it's filled with open-ended questions that couples can ask each other to find out whether this romantic partner is "the one." Intellectual Foreplay includes guidelines for working with a partner's responses, and to help prepare couples to have fulfilling relationships. As you might recall from the Introduction, Maggie and I developed a routine of talking on the telephone in the evening and taking turns asking each other questions from the book. It was enjoyable to sec that the more we tested each other's realities, the more excited we were about being together. Also at the time, both of us had worked hard to clarify our own Requirements. I can't stress this enough. Just making a list won't do; you've got to refine your Requirements and be committed to them, or you are not going to be happy.

How do you know if a Requirement is met? Follow these three steps:

1. Review your Requirements.

Remember that Requirements are not just an abstract list of ideas or values; they are so big, and so core, as to be absolutely real and unambiguous. If you are unsure, have to think about it, or believe it is possible to live without it in a relationship, it is NOT a Requirement. A Requirement is so core to who you are and what you need that you would have to leave a relationship if it were not met. When this much energy exists around something, it tends to force or drive events. If you are ambivalent about whether a Requirement is being met, just give it time. If it is not being met, the issue will get larger and larger until it eventually breaks the relationship up, regardless of each partner's wishes.

2."Operationalize" your Requirements.

This means that you are specific about what the Requirement means behaviorally. What would need to happen or not happen for it to be met? Events such as "monogamy" and "loves children" are unambiguous. Traits, values, ideas, labels, etc. such as "romantic," "integrity," and "trust" are too vague.

3. Be aware of your experience of your Requirements with this person.

What matters is that the Requirement is met in a way that works for you. You can rationalize and argue "trust," but what matters is that you have the experience of trust that is important to you in a relationship.

When we put language to Requirements, we are really trying to describe and be conscious of something we must experience in a relationship for it to work for us. This can be subjective, but in the end that is all that matters. You might ask, for example, "If I have mist issues, then isn't it my 'stuff and not about my partner?" But ALL Requirements are about YOU, and it is largely up to you whether they are met or not. Early in a relationship, it is not always clear if a Requirement is met or not. If you are single and screening a possible partner, or in a pre-committed relationship, and you are not sure if a Requirement is met, you can choose to give it more time. While you might feel a sense of urgency, the reality is that there is no emergency and no need to hurry to make a decision

about a relationship. It" you give it more time and you are STILL unsure, then take that as a "no."

If you are ambivalent about whether a Requirement is being met, just give it time. If it is not being met, the issue will get larger and larger, until it eventually breaks the relationship up, regardless of each partner's wishes.