Screening is the process of collecting information about whether someone meets your requirements. Thai's why it's critically important that you know what your requirements are (Chapter 5), so that as you get to know somebody, you know which questions to ask. You know what to look for, so you can determine if your requirements might be met. Remember: if one requirement is not met, the relationship will not work. It's going to fail. Screening can take place in several phone calls over the course of a week, in e-mails, or during a coffee date. You are simply collecting data related to your requirements. If you are serious about finding your life partner, you are not going to gel involved with people who are not right for you. You need to slay available, because wouldn't it be a tragedy if you met the right person but you were involved with somebody else?
Seth knew that he wanted his partner to be college-educated. He also knew that he wanted to find someone in his age rangenot over forty years old. After staying up very late that first night to Sort through many potential partners online, Seth wrote back to ten men. His tone was serious and formal.
After briefly meeting these men in person in public places to Screen them, Seth could ask himself if he wanted to see any of them again. He figured he could collect all the information he needed in sixty minutes or less, and was determined not to spend any more time than he had to with anyone not 100 percent aligned with his requirements.
Over the next two months, Seth sometimes had as many as three dates in one day: a lunch date, a dinner date, and an after-dinner date. Seth believed in giving everyone a fair chance, and in keeping all his options open. During every date, Seth studied each potential partner seriously and genuinely, taking mental notes. After two months, he had had almost forty dates!
The train doors opened and Seth raced up the stairs. His date. Max, was a forty-year-old waiter who wrote in his profile that he'd been sober for ten years and meditated every morning. Max was waiting for Seth at a sidewalk table. The men shook hands. Seth was caught off guard: this guy was good-looking! Max was
",
six feet tall with dirty blond hair and bright blue eyes. His muscles bulged out from his tank top when he grasped Seth's hand.
"I got here a little early and ordered a sandwich," Max said.
"Great!" said Seth, but really he thought it was a little rude.
Seth had arrived right on time; the fact that this guy ordered before he got there wasn't thoughtful. Seth made a menial note: having a respectful and considerate relationship was one of his Requirements. He could easily spot self-centered men with big egos, since he'd been with them before.
Seth asked Max about his job.
"I've been a waiter since I was sixteen," Max said. "But I don't want to be a waiter for the rest of my life. I'm planning to go back to school next year."
"Awesome!" said Seth. "Which school?"
"Oh, I don't know, maybe a community college. I'll probably look into it this summer."
Seth made another mental note: he, too, had big dreams, and knew that they took lots of planning. He needed to be with a partner who really followed through with his dreams. Being with someone who was able to support himself financially was another big requirement for Seth in a relationship.
"Are you from the city?" Seth asked.
"Actually, I'm from Cleveland, where my family lives. But they don't really support my lifestyle, if you know what I mean. I haven't seen them for years."
"Intense," said Seth. "I have yet to come out to my family. But we're very close. I see them at least once a month."
Seth continued to take mental notes: the fact that Max was estranged from his family was another red flag. He knew that he had A LOT of work to do with his own parents, but he valued his family and wasn't just cutting ail ties with them.
Forty-five minutes later, as he marched back to the train, Seth thought about Max. Wow, he was gorgeous. Seth imagined meeting up with him again at a bar, and going back to his place. But he stopped himself . He'd been there, done that.
He took a deep breath and cleared his head. Max did not meet his requirements: in just one sixty-minute lunch date, Seth was able to Screen and get enough information to figure out that this guy was not a good match.
If you are serious about finding your life partner, you are not going to get involved
with people who are not right for you. You need to stay available, because wouldn't it be a tragedy if you met the right person but you were involved with somebody else?
Screening can also be done completely by e-mail or telephone. You don't have to leave the house. You don't have to meet anyone in person. And you certainly don't have to get involved with anyone! If you are going to meet in person, I recommend that you make it a coffee
date in a public setting and limit the time to less than an hour. That way, it's not really a "date." A date is when two single people spend time together (hang out). They typically are either in an ongoing relationship with each other, or getting together with that intention. It's important to make the distinction between "dating" and "screening." Screening is more like a job interview! If this person isn't a fit, you will most likely not pursue an ongoing relationship with him/her.
When Screening, believe what people say about themselves. If you're collecting information on the phone, and someone says, "Well, I'm not really good with money," believe him/her! People often tell you outright what it is you need to know.
Cathy wrote back to ten of the twenty-five men who had contacted her, and exchanged phone numbers with eight of them. She had brief conversations with each to Screen them. She eliminated one man because he was still involved in a nasty divorce battle and another because he was recently evicted from his apartment. Her conversation with a geology professor was so awkwardhe seemed to be lacking some social skillsthat she bumped him off her list too. She was most looking forward to her coffee date with a successful entrepreneur who made her laugh during their brief telephone chat.
Screening is more like a job interview than a date!
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