Passing the Buck

When intimacy or commitment doesn't line up, we sense it and smell change in the wind. Anticipating change often brings fear. Remember the formula for emotions: feel them, name them, interpret them, and act appropriately. When we haven't put words on our fear, we act it outinappropriately It's not unusual for one partner to use acting-out behavior in an attempt to force the other person to leave. Examples of such behaviors include the following:

Being emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive

Creating distance by withholding communication, time, or expressions of love

Failing to keep promises, such as sexual exclusivity

Acting chronically discontent and finding fault constantlythe list of problems just keeps getting longer

Withholding affectionthe day-to-day smiles or hugs that keep people together

Constantly arguing over meaningless things

No longer talking about future plans

Not returning each other's calls

Sex, Single, and Staying Sober

Mother Nature's insurance policy

Rock-my-world-now sex

Three reasons why relationships fail

Play the Easy Does It Dating Game

Nature has provided well for herself. Sex is a force to be reckoned with. This amazing drive is directly connected to our "lizard brain," the part of our mind that was wired for survival when we lived next door to the Flintstones. It contains the instinct to reproduce in order for the species to continue as well as a strong bonding force to hold a couple together. Sex, however, isn't an instinct that always has to be acted on like eating, drinking water, or sleeping. We have a choice as to when, where, and with whom we engage our sexual instinct.

This book is not suggesting any particular moral code regarding sexuality. Its purpose is to give you information and suggestions about healthy dating and relating, with the thought that an informed choice is a good one. However, what you do with this information is up to you. As is often heard in other aspects of recovery, take what works for you and leave the rest.

Asking for a Date

This is a good time for the fly-on-the-wall trick. Observe how cool and confident you are. Avoid hedging your bet by using that nebulous sometimeas in "Do you want to go out sometime?" Have a place and a couple of dates in mind. If the answer is no, realize it isn't about you; the person doesn't even know you.

The Rebel, the Toxic Parent, and the Wounded Child

Rebel with a Cause

The rebel part of you appears confident. He acts cocky, laughs at authority, and goes out if the way to break the rules. "Skate fast, die young" is his motto. The rebel doesn't take instruction well (of course not, he knows everything). In actuality, the rebel is often a hurting child in a grown-up body. He shoots from the hip. His perceived mission is to fight against external authority, which keeps him focused outside of himself, disconnected from his own spirit. He's like an animal sensing danger and puffing himself up to scare away the enemy but hurting himself more than those he wants to hurt. He runs the show on adrenaline, a product

of his constant fear, medicating himself with addictive living.

As you will see, when the rebel is healed, he is an important part of your psyche; he's your free spirit. It becomes a problem, however, when this part of your psyche (or any of the other parts) takes over. The goal is to get all parts working together. When each part understands its job and knows others are doing theirs, your inner life runs smoother. The rebel is then really free to "do his thing." The freer he becomes, the less rebellious he is and the less likely you both are to end up in the ditch.

Everybody Loves Raymond's Mother When the toxic parent is in charge of your inner world, the tendency is to try and control everything and everyone. She has the natural urge to take care of people, but her efforts come off as bossy. She "saves" people by telling them what to do. She's a finger wagger judging and criticizingand says "it's for your own good." She can also get abusive, doling out love or withholding it to make her point. Her chronic "fixing" of others while neglecting her own needs leaves her in a lot of painwhich she medicates with addiction. If she would only get some boundaries and stay home and take care of you rather than everyone else, things would settle down inside.

Your Vision Statement

Organizations use mission statements to guide the decisions of the company, and it works for individuals too. For example, if you have established a vision and then find yourself in a situation that threatens it, your subconscious mind automatically warns you that you are drifting off course. You can learn to recognize this signal. You still have to make a choice, but you'll get a reminder. This is one way of understanding what conscious connection to a Higher Power means.

The following process will connect you with your vision and give you an image to help keep you on course as you venture into the world of clean-and-sober dating. Later, when you move from dating to developing a special relationship with a partner, come back to this exercise and create a vision statement together. It will help guide the relationship.

1. In a sentence or two, describe what you are planning to do.

I am: (Example: learning how to date clean and sober, staying with my program, continuing to grow and develop spiritually)

2. Identify the feelings that come up for you as you read the statement you just wrote.

I am feeling: (Example: anxious, frightened, excited, hopeful)

3. Describe what you imagine would be an ideal outcome. Another way of approaching this is to ask yourself what you imagine your Higher Power wants for you as you begin the process of clean-and-sober dating.

My ideal outcome: (Example: I would meet new people, have fun dating, and eventually have a healthy romantic relationship while continuing to develop my spiritual life and grow in my recovery.)

4. Imagine how this will feel when it happensusing posi- tive terms only.

Note: You don't know how it will feel; it hasn't happened yet. You're creating something new for yourself. The point is to imagine how it will feel. You want to get into your imagination because that's where the new image comes from. Sometimes you have to list all the negative stuff that's running through your head to get rid of it, but the negatives don't go in your vision statement. You're creating something new and don't want it cast in the old image. The old feelings are bringing the past back; in program talk, you're not letting go.

Completely let go of your fear and imagine having a brand-new experience. What do you imagine it feels like to live without this fear? What does it feel like to succeed in your goal of dating, having fun, having a relationship, and growing spiritually? Remember, if you can imagine it, you can create it.

I'd feel: (Example: grateful, happy, joyous, and free entitled, like I deserve it)

This was Lisa's "aha" moment. Not feeling deserving was the hidden factor that sabotaged earlier attempts at healthy dating for her. As long as she didn't feel deserving, her choices reflected her low self-esteem. As you go through this process, you will find your hidden factor too.

5. What is a symbolic image of what it feels like to deserve?

Image: (Example: Lisa's symbolic image was a picture of her at the beach, walking in the sunlight. The sand in front of her was washed free of footprints. She felt like she was literally walking into new territory and deserved to do it.)

Lisa's final step was to ask her Higher Power to remove anything that kept her from feeling deserving so that she could be of greater service.

This process offers a way to gain insight and self-understanding and, ultimately, to have more awareness in making conscious choices. Healing comes in spiritual time, not necessarily according to your clock, as Mart's story shows:

Matt realizes he isn't ready to date yet. He has worked closely with his sponsor for two years. His rage had taken him almost to the point of murder; he entered recovery after a six-month stay in a locked treatment facility.

Mart's father was an active alcoholic, and his drinking binges terrorized the family on a regular basis. Mart's mother would hide him and his brother under the bed while she distracted their father to keep him from attacking them. It usually ended with her getting beaten and Matt and his brother screaming in fright. Matt felt a deep sense of guilt about not being able to protect his mother and brother. He began drinking at twelve years of age to quiet the screams in his head. He quit school and joined the army as soon as he could. His disease progressed, taking him through a series of bad relationships, which always resulted in threatening his girlfriendsas he had learned to do at home. He eventually married, and when he lunged at his wife with a kitchen knife, she called the police and brought charges against him. The army gave him the ultimatum of going into treatment or doing time in the stockade. He took the treatment option.

During his Step work, he saw that his relationships were all tangled up with guilt, fear, and angermodeled on the one he grew up with. He partnered with women he felt needed "saving." He always became violent, couldn't stop, and psychologically couldn't leave. He felt like the little boy trapped under the bed again.

Matt realized he had learned about relationships from his family as a frightened youngster under the bed. He felt guilty about hiding and for not being able to defend his mother against his father's rage. His pattern of saving women became his way of rescuing her.

Matt is choosing not to date until he has healed from those childhood wounds. He attends meetings regularly and is receiving additional therapy. He's a volunteer at an abused women's shelter, where he works with children. Matt finally found the perfect way to rescue himself, his brother, and his mother and feels it may be exactly what he was born to do.

Summary Points

Another Fourth Step specifically on past relationships brings new insight.

Symbol and ceremony help heal past trauma by unlocking your spiritual power and transforming negative patterns.

Forming a clear vision about your decision to date (as well as anything you are planning to do) helps keep you on course and gives you a warning signal if you start to stray too far off the path. You still have to make a choice about what to do when the "bell" rings.

Recovery is about making conscious choices. The more we clean out the past, the more self-awareness we bring into the present, and the better the chance of having a new experience.

Healthy relationships depend on each of the two partners being whole people; this means having boundaries. In the next section we'll look at the importance of boundaries in all aspects of your life and as a must have for all of your relationships. Boundaries: don't leave home without them.

Stage Two: Single and Dating

Let's imagine the day has arrived for you to add dating to your life as a single person. You're going to keep thinking and acting like a single person. You'll continue your self-discovery, learning more about yourself through interacting with another person. Your intimacy bond remains within yourself, and your commitment to recovery is still your primary focus. If either of those two things gets compromised, the deal is off!

Kids

There may be a possibility that the woman of your dreams has a kid or two. Though I have never understood why, this freaks some men out. At least you know she's fertile. For some reason guys think because she's got a kid or two she's damaged goods.

That is the way an asshole thinks. What should it matter? Apparently her first relationship didn't work out. This doesn't mean that if you get into a relationship with her that it's doomed from the get-go. If she has a kidor kidsgrow up! I know that a lot of guys don't want an Instant Family and that's fine. I also know a lot of super-hot chicks who have kids and don't date much because of it. (And I mean super-hot.)

So, just find out before you take her out if she's got any kids. If she's got a few, just smile and move away from her if it makes you that uncomfortable. But don't treat her like she's got the plague!

One more note, just because she's got kids doesn't mean she's easy. Don't ever assume she's going to have sex with you just because you bought her a meal. Always be kind and respectful. That's building good Karma and we could all use some good Karma.

What we learned:

■ Some women already have kids. If you don't want to deal with that, be upfront about it. Never waste her time.

Bad reputation

You might not give a damn about your bad repin fact, you're probably proud of itbut she sure as hell cares about hers. She doesn't want anything to mess with her chances of getting a good guy and, perhaps eventually, a good husband. She also doesn't want you to think she's some kind of slut. Even if she is easy, she doesn't want anyone else to think it.

I once knew a guy who had a really good first date with a chick and then he jumped the gun and asked her, "So can I stay over at your place tonight?" And he wondered why she turned cold after that. I told him, "It's really simple, stupid. One of the biggest dating rules is that you never ask a chick if you can stay at her place. Whatever chance you had just went down the tubes. Why? Because, after you say something like that, she thinks you think she's a cheap ho and that makes her feel bad about herself."

Don't ever invite yourself to her place. Ever, even if you're getting "vibes" that she wants you to stay over. If she wants this, she will let your know. There will be no shadow of doubt. She doesn't want you to think that she's "easy" or "cheap" and if you ask this dumb-ass question, that's precisely what you're telling her you think of her. You're telling her that all you're interested in is sex.

Believe me, once you let a woman know this, she will turn ice cold. It's true. Yes, it is. It might not make sense, but I know women think in these terms. Even if she's forty years old, she's still concerned with getting a bad reputation. Always wait for an invite! Always!!! Never, ever invite yourself up to some chick's pad! It will get you a one-way ticket to nowhere.

Now you can invite her to your pad, but do it nicely, "I have some really good gin at my place. Want to come up for a drink? You know, just a drink. I would love to keep talking to you."

I know that your greasy little mind is going to be on sex the entire evening, but never let her know it is. And when you invite her, don't think you're going to get lucky.

On the other hand, if she thinks you're not that interested in sex, she's going to want to know why. Why doesn't he desire me? I've got to figure this guy out. Coming on too strong with a lady is going to get you a ticket homealone. Holding back and letting her come to you might just be your ticket to a night of wild monkey sex.

Let me reiterate. The more you act like you're not interested in sex, the stronger she will come on to you. Don't ever show that's all you're interested inwe all know it isuntil she comes to you. Don't ever assume that she wants it. She might, but if you tell her you know what she's thinking, she's going to turn cold.

What if you do screw up and do something like the idiot I mentioned above? Claim stupidity. Tell her that you're drunk. That you didn't mean it. Tell her you were only joking. Laugh it off. Say you're sorry and if you still have a chance, she'll let you know. And move on to another subject quickly. Women do have long memories but if you brush it off, she may brush it off as well because she'll be embarrassed. And the reason she'll be embarrassed is because she'll think she's the one jumping the gun.

One of the most important things you can do is to think before you speak. She's keeping score, believe me.

What we learned:

■          Women do care about their reputations.

■          Women don't want you or anyone else to think they're a cheap ho.

■          Never invite yourself to her place.

■          Invite her to your place only if you get the vibe she's digging you.

LEARN THESE TOP 10 RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDES!

1.     I will be happy by having goals and letting go of attachment to outcomes

2.     I strive to live and "be" in the present

3.     I love, accept, and trust myself

4.      I focus on connecting, not results; a partner is someone to love, not an object or a goal

5.            I strive to be authentic; being fully honest with myself and others, aligning my words, values, and actions

6.            I strive to live my life with intentionality; making choices conscious of my goals and consequences

7.      I strive to take the necessary risks, overcome my fears, and stretch my comfort level to reach my goals

8.     I assume abundance; all the opportunities and resources that I need will appear

9.     I take responsibility for my outcomes by taking initiative in my life and relationships

10. What others judge about me is about them; I strive to let go of what others think and not take it personally she wanted to be with someone who was on the same path. Still, she wondered if she was being a little harsh. It was only their first date, after ail Maybe Richard didn't feel ready to Open up and reveal all his future dreams.

She felt another red flag as they talked about dating. Although Dorothy didn't reveal that Richard was her very first date, she did say that she'd joined the dating service less than a month ago.

Richard added, "Finding a woman by the end of the year is my goal! I sure don't want to grow old alone."

Dorothy didn't want to grow old alone, either, but look at his attitude! Finding a woman was his goal, as if she were a trophy. Was Richard looking for a lifelong partner, or just a woman to crawl into bed with at night?

"I don't think anyone wants to grow old alone," Dorothy agreed, trying not to be reactive. "Yet, I would rather be alone than settle for a situation in which I was unhappy."

Richard nodded and said, "I just can't tell you how much I miss coming home to a woman! Night after night, I walk into a dark house, and it just eats at me."

Dorothy leaned over the table, ready to point out to Richard how desperate he sounded. Instead, she took a sip of ice water and kept her thoughts to herself. Her objective here was not to correct Richard. Being authentic to herself, she knew that she wanted to be with a man who shared her vision for a committed relationship.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Richard said.

"Oh, I was just thinking about how men and women in our society often relate to each other."

"What do you mean?" Richard asked.

"I think that, in part due to the influence of the media, men and women often objectify each other by focusing on the outside package, whether it's about one's age or one's looks."

"I'm following you," Richard said, "In my own past, I feel like some women have focused on the material things about me, like my business or income, rather than getting to know the real me. For example, I've dated a couple of women who were definitely attracted to me because I earned over two hundred thousand dollars a year, owned a house, and vacationed in Hawaii."

"And did you feel that you were objectifying these women, too?" Richard's chest jutted forward. "Perhaps I was," lie admitted. "Both were much younger than me and very attractivethey had previously been models."

Richard looked away from the table, as if he were envisioning those young beauties again. The expression on his face made Dorothy feel defensive.

Then Richard looked back at her. "Neither relationship lasted more than a few months. We really didn't have much in common, and it was clear that we didn't share the same values."

"I think it's normal to respond eagerly when we feel attracted to someone," Dorothy said, feeling less defensive now that Richard was opening up. "That chemistry thing is very powerful, if you know what I mean."

They both laughed out loud.

Dorothy wanted to ask Richard more questions - previously, had he only been looking for a certain package in a woman? Was he still in that mind-set? Bui she felt careful about getting TOO personal TOO quickly, since this was only their first date. Dorothy was well aware of the fact that she herself could fall into a sort of Scarcity Trap. There were days when she felt like she was get-

ting too old, and her supply of possible partners was running out. But then, she caught herself No, she was not going to settle for less just so she wouldn't be alone.

After chatting for over an hour, Richard asked Dorothy if she wanted to share some dessert. They decided on cheesecake. In between spoonfuls, their conversation grew lighter. At 5 p.m., they rose from the table and walked outside. Dorothy thanked Richard and added,

"I would lore to take you up on your original offer for dinner some night!"

"I'd be delighted," Richard said.

Although she felt cautious-there were some red flags about Richard-it also seemed too early to judge. Getting to know him a little better seemed fair, and she had really enjoyed their conversation.

Getting back into her car, Dorothy smiled. She was proud of herself for passing her first day of relationship boot camp,

REQUIREMENTS INACTION

Lei's say lhai you're at a speed-dating event and you have an eight-minute conversation with this really attractive man/woman. You go home and just can't get your mind off of him/her. You call all your friends to gush, feeling like an animal in the wild. Helen Fisher, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University and author of Anatomy of Love, says this is not as farfetched as it may seem: "I think that you can fall in love with somebody in much less than eight minutes of conversation, but eight minutes will do. I think we are animals that were built for love at first sight. Within the animal community, it's my guess that this brain circuitry for attraction, it can be very spontaneous and we've inherited that and indeed you see evidence of this."

But how do you know if this eight-minute love-fest is real? We all want to tiptoe through the tulips and feel good, but the danger here is that we often choose either our head or our heart. Chemistry is not something that you can control. It's either there or not there. But you can use your feelings of attraction as radar. This is how we identify somebody to Scout, Sort, and Screen. It's a given! If you weren't attracted, you wouldn't be interested in them in the first place. To identify who to scout, follow your feelings of attraction. But when you're engaging them, use your head as well as your heart.

When I was first getting to know Maggie, we discovered the book Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be by Eve Eschner Hogan. We wanted to be conscious and take things one step at a time, and this book was a great asset because it's filled with open-ended questions that couples can ask each other to find out whether this romantic partner is "the one." Intellectual Foreplay includes guidelines for working with a partner's responses, and to help prepare couples to have fulfilling relationships. As you might recall from the Introduction, Maggie and I developed a routine of talking on the telephone in the evening and taking turns asking each other questions from the book. It was enjoyable to sec that the more we tested each other's realities, the more excited we were about being together. Also at the time, both of us had worked hard to clarify our own Requirements. I can't stress this enough. Just making a list won't do; you've got to refine your Requirements and be committed to them, or you are not going to be happy.

How do you know if a Requirement is met? Follow these three steps:

1. Review your Requirements.

Remember that Requirements are not just an abstract list of ideas or values; they are so big, and so core, as to be absolutely real and unambiguous. If you are unsure, have to think about it, or believe it is possible to live without it in a relationship, it is NOT a Requirement. A Requirement is so core to who you are and what you need that you would have to leave a relationship if it were not met. When this much energy exists around something, it tends to force or drive events. If you are ambivalent about whether a Requirement is being met, just give it time. If it is not being met, the issue will get larger and larger until it eventually breaks the relationship up, regardless of each partner's wishes.

2."Operationalize" your Requirements.

This means that you are specific about what the Requirement means behaviorally. What would need to happen or not happen for it to be met? Events such as "monogamy" and "loves children" are unambiguous. Traits, values, ideas, labels, etc. such as "romantic," "integrity," and "trust" are too vague.

3. Be aware of your experience of your Requirements with this person.

What matters is that the Requirement is met in a way that works for you. You can rationalize and argue "trust," but what matters is that you have the experience of trust that is important to you in a relationship.

When we put language to Requirements, we are really trying to describe and be conscious of something we must experience in a relationship for it to work for us. This can be subjective, but in the end that is all that matters. You might ask, for example, "If I have mist issues, then isn't it my 'stuff and not about my partner?" But ALL Requirements are about YOU, and it is largely up to you whether they are met or not. Early in a relationship, it is not always clear if a Requirement is met or not. If you are single and screening a possible partner, or in a pre-committed relationship, and you are not sure if a Requirement is met, you can choose to give it more time. While you might feel a sense of urgency, the reality is that there is no emergency and no need to hurry to make a decision

about a relationship. It" you give it more time and you are STILL unsure, then take that as a "no."

If you are ambivalent about whether a Requirement is being met, just give it time. If it is not being met, the issue will get larger and larger, until it eventually breaks the relationship up, regardless of each partner's wishes.

Conscious Dating Step #3: Screening

Screening is the process of collecting information about whether someone meets your requirements. Thai's why it's critically important that you know what your requirements are (Chapter 5), so that as you get to know somebody, you know which questions to ask. You know what to look for, so you can determine if your requirements might be met. Remember: if one requirement is not met, the relationship will not work. It's going to fail. Screening can take place in several phone calls over the course of a week, in e-mails, or during a coffee date. You are simply collecting data related to your requirements. If you are serious about finding your life partner, you are not going to gel involved with people who are not right for you. You need to slay available, because wouldn't it be a tragedy if you met the right person but you were involved with somebody else?

Seth knew that he wanted his partner to be college-educated. He also knew that he wanted to find someone in his age rangenot over forty years old. After staying up very late that first night to Sort through many potential partners online, Seth wrote back to ten men. His tone was serious and formal.

After briefly meeting these men in person in public places to Screen them, Seth could ask himself if he wanted to see any of them again. He figured he could collect all the information he needed in sixty minutes or less, and was determined not to spend any more time than he had to with anyone not 100 percent aligned with his requirements.

Over the next two months, Seth sometimes had as many as three dates in one day: a lunch date, a dinner date, and an after-dinner date. Seth believed in giving everyone a fair chance, and in keeping all his options open. During every date, Seth studied each potential partner seriously and genuinely, taking mental notes. After two months, he had had almost forty dates!

The train doors opened and Seth raced up the stairs. His date. Max, was a forty-year-old waiter who wrote in his profile that he'd been sober for ten years and meditated every morning. Max was waiting for Seth at a sidewalk table. The men shook hands. Seth was caught off guard: this guy was good-looking! Max was

",

six feet tall with dirty blond hair and bright blue eyes. His muscles bulged out from his tank top when he grasped Seth's hand.

"I got here a little early and ordered a sandwich," Max said.

"Great!" said Seth, but really he thought it was a little rude.

Seth had arrived right on time; the fact that this guy ordered before he got there wasn't thoughtful. Seth made a menial note: having a respectful and considerate relationship was one of his Requirements. He could easily spot self-centered men with big egos, since he'd been with them before.

Seth asked Max about his job.

"I've been a waiter since I was sixteen," Max said. "But I don't want to be a waiter for the rest of my life. I'm planning to go back to school next year."

"Awesome!" said Seth. "Which school?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe a community college. I'll probably look into it this summer."

Seth made another mental note: he, too, had big dreams, and knew that they took lots of planning. He needed to be with a partner who really followed through with his dreams. Being with someone who was able to support himself financially was another big requirement for Seth in a relationship.

"Are you from the city?" Seth asked.

"Actually, I'm from Cleveland, where my family lives. But they don't really support my lifestyle, if you know what I mean. I haven't seen them for years."

"Intense," said Seth. "I have yet to come out to my family. But we're very close. I see them at least once a month."

Seth continued to take mental notes: the fact that Max was estranged from his family was another red flag. He knew that he had A LOT of work to do with his own parents, but he valued his family and wasn't just cutting ail ties with them.

Forty-five minutes later, as he marched back to the train, Seth thought about Max. Wow, he was gorgeous. Seth imagined meeting up with him again at a bar, and going back to his place. But he stopped himself . He'd been there, done that.

He took a deep breath and cleared his head. Max did not meet his requirements: in just one sixty-minute lunch date, Seth was able to Screen and get enough information to figure out that this guy was not a good match.

If you are serious about finding your life partner, you are not going to get involved

with people who are not right for you. You need to stay available, because wouldn't it be a tragedy if you met the right person but you were involved with somebody else?

Screening can also be done completely by e-mail or telephone. You don't have to leave the house. You don't have to meet anyone in person. And you certainly don't have to get involved with anyone! If you are going to meet in person, I recommend that you make it a coffee

date in a public setting and limit the time to less than an hour. That way, it's not really a "date." A date is when two single people spend time together (hang out). They typically are either in an ongoing relationship with each other, or getting together with that intention. It's important to make the distinction between "dating" and "screening." Screening is more like a job interview! If this person isn't a fit, you will most likely not pursue an ongoing relationship with him/her.

When Screening, believe what people say about themselves. If you're collecting information on the phone, and someone says, "Well, I'm not really good with money," believe him/her! People often tell you outright what it is you need to know.

Cathy wrote back to ten of the twenty-five men who had contacted her, and exchanged phone numbers with eight of them. She had brief conversations with each to Screen them. She eliminated one man because he was still involved in a nasty divorce battle and another because he was recently evicted from his apartment. Her conversation with a geology professor was so awkwardhe seemed to be lacking some social skillsthat she bumped him off her list too. She was most looking forward to her coffee date with a successful entrepreneur who made her laugh during their brief telephone chat.

Screening is more like a job interview than a date!

THESINGLES BLUES

David Bentley, one of my colleagues who coachessingles, has identified a "syndrome" which he calls "TheSingles Blues." It's when you feel inferior because you don't have apartner, or when being single overwhelms you so much thai you just want tocrawl under the covers and hide. David identifies four "symptoms" ofthe Singles Blues. Do you recognize any of them in yourself?

1. Holding onto the Past: When it comes to dating, do you hesitate tomake the first move because in the past you got snubbed by someone or turneddown for a date? Are you wailing for others to approach you? Do you becomedepressed and/or angry when they don't? Holding on to the past can cause us tolake the same unsuccessful actions we've always taken, expecting them to workthis time if we just try harder. Sometimes we even hold onto physical objectsfrom the past. Do you still have love let tors from a formersweetheart who is now married and has six children? Is that faded rose fromyour first date still pressed between pages of Rumi poems? Isn't it time to getrid of the physical and emotional remnants of the past and embrace your presentand future?

7.Married

Married adults live longer and have fewer mentaland emotional problems than single adults. In fact, a ten-year study of tenthousand people in the United Kingdom found that living alone might shaveseveral years off a single person's life. The findings, published in theJournal of Health Economics, show that long-term singles are at risk of mentalillness and depression and of becoming sicker earlier. In The Case forMarriage, Gallagher and Waite sum up their research, "Being unmarried canactually be a greater risk to one's life than having heart disease orcancer" and "marital status was one of the most important predictorsof happiness."

Dr. Waitealso found that "marriage changes people's behavior in ways that make thembetter off." Married partners monitor each

other's health, for example. They drink lessalcohol and use less marijuana and cocaine. From detailed reports on fiftythousand men and women followed from their senior year in high school to theage of thirty-two by University of Michigan researchers, Dr. Waite discerned asteep increase in "bad behaviors" among those who stayed single, buta "precipitous drop" in bad behaviors like the use of alcohol orillegal drugs among those who married.

Drawing heavily on a study of thirteenthousand adults assessed in 1987 and 1988 and again in 1992 and 1993, Dr. Waitedemonstrated the positive impact that marriage has on mental health. The study,conducted by two psychologists at the University of Wisconsin, Nadine F. Marksand James D. Lambert, and published in The Journal of Family Issues, states itis not just that people who remained married reported significantly higher levelsof happiness than those who remained single." The data showed that thosewho separated or divorced over the five-year period became, in Dr. Waite'sword, miserable.

In 1998, the Universityof Chicago's Dr. Waite presented herfindings at the second annua] Smart Marriages Conference in Washington. Countering conventional wisdomthat marriage is bad for women but good for men. Dr. Waite found that marriagebrings considerable benefits to both women and men. It lengthens life andsubstantially boosts physical and emotional health. In a large national sampleof adults followed for eighteen years beginning at the age of forty-eight,slightly more than 60 percent of divorced and never-married women made it tosixty-five, as opposed to nearly 90 percent of married women. Widowed women,for reasons not entirely clear, fared almost as well as married women. Amongmen, however, those unmarried for any reasonwhether widowed, divorced, ornever married-had only a 60 to 70 percent chance of living to sixty-five,versus 90 percent for married men.

Dr. Waite further proved her case in The Casefor Marriage, written with Maggie Gallagher in 2000. Waite and Gallagheraddress what they term the five myths of marriage, including "Marriage ismostly about children" and "Divorce is usually the best answer forkids when a marriage becomes unhappy."

The book is based on eighteen years ofresearch by Waite: Gallagher is director of the Marriage Program at theInstitute for American Values. "Marriage is not just a label or a piece ofpaper, marriage is a creative act," Gallagher told the Washington Post inan interview. "When people invest in a marriage, it changes the way theylook at the world and act-they're more willing to invest in their futuretogether - and it also changes the way people look at you. You do get specialstatus."

THE RULES HAVE CHANGED

Everymedia outlet today seems to be rushing to offer singles the latest solutionsto finding and keeping that perfect partner. Glamour features "How toCome Back from the Brink," about couples on the verge of divorce whoturned their relationship around. eHarmony.comhas patented a matchmaking formula to bring singles together in successfulrelationships. Nerve.com, an onlinemagazine exploring sexuality and culture, is promoting 'The Future ofMarriage" issue with experts answering all your relationship questions.

We have a powerful need and desire for asuccessful life partnership. But we grope around in the dark, using trial anderror to try to make them work, often learning our lessons the hard way. Wehave all made relationship choices that led to feelings of confusion andhopelessness. When we are single, we want to be in a relationship. When we arein an unfulfilling relationship, it is often very difficult to accept thestatus quo and we want to move on. I believe that we all want to be happy.We're just not sure how.

I initially entered the psychology field tounderstand and help people in relationships. I wanted couples to be happytogether. Yet, during most of my years as a therapist, relationships remaineda mystery to me. 1 wondered, for instance, why so many couples allowed theirmarriages to become so severely troubled before doing something about it. 1also questioned why some couples called a divorce lawyer before calling atherapist. I shook my head at the divorce rate, considering the fact that thereare over 350,000 licensed mental health professionals in the United States.

We have a powerful need and desire for a successful life partnership, whichdrives us into and out of relationships.

My first record in my online dating services blog. Read more about free services here. Enjoy =)