The Rebel, the Toxic Parent, and the Wounded Child

Rebel with a Cause

The rebel part of you appears confident. He acts cocky, laughs at authority, and goes out if the way to break the rules. "Skate fast, die young" is his motto. The rebel doesn't take instruction well (of course not, he knows everything). In actuality, the rebel is often a hurting child in a grown-up body. He shoots from the hip. His perceived mission is to fight against external authority, which keeps him focused outside of himself, disconnected from his own spirit. He's like an animal sensing danger and puffing himself up to scare away the enemy but hurting himself more than those he wants to hurt. He runs the show on adrenaline, a product

of his constant fear, medicating himself with addictive living.

As you will see, when the rebel is healed, he is an important part of your psyche; he's your free spirit. It becomes a problem, however, when this part of your psyche (or any of the other parts) takes over. The goal is to get all parts working together. When each part understands its job and knows others are doing theirs, your inner life runs smoother. The rebel is then really free to "do his thing." The freer he becomes, the less rebellious he is and the less likely you both are to end up in the ditch.

Everybody Loves Raymond's Mother When the toxic parent is in charge of your inner world, the tendency is to try and control everything and everyone. She has the natural urge to take care of people, but her efforts come off as bossy. She "saves" people by telling them what to do. She's a finger wagger judging and criticizingand says "it's for your own good." She can also get abusive, doling out love or withholding it to make her point. Her chronic "fixing" of others while neglecting her own needs leaves her in a lot of painwhich she medicates with addiction. If she would only get some boundaries and stay home and take care of you rather than everyone else, things would settle down inside.

Your Vision Statement

Organizations use mission statements to guide the decisions of the company, and it works for individuals too. For example, if you have established a vision and then find yourself in a situation that threatens it, your subconscious mind automatically warns you that you are drifting off course. You can learn to recognize this signal. You still have to make a choice, but you'll get a reminder. This is one way of understanding what conscious connection to a Higher Power means.

The following process will connect you with your vision and give you an image to help keep you on course as you venture into the world of clean-and-sober dating. Later, when you move from dating to developing a special relationship with a partner, come back to this exercise and create a vision statement together. It will help guide the relationship.

1. In a sentence or two, describe what you are planning to do.

I am: (Example: learning how to date clean and sober, staying with my program, continuing to grow and develop spiritually)

2. Identify the feelings that come up for you as you read the statement you just wrote.

I am feeling: (Example: anxious, frightened, excited, hopeful)

3. Describe what you imagine would be an ideal outcome. Another way of approaching this is to ask yourself what you imagine your Higher Power wants for you as you begin the process of clean-and-sober dating.

My ideal outcome: (Example: I would meet new people, have fun dating, and eventually have a healthy romantic relationship while continuing to develop my spiritual life and grow in my recovery.)

4. Imagine how this will feel when it happensusing posi- tive terms only.

Note: You don't know how it will feel; it hasn't happened yet. You're creating something new for yourself. The point is to imagine how it will feel. You want to get into your imagination because that's where the new image comes from. Sometimes you have to list all the negative stuff that's running through your head to get rid of it, but the negatives don't go in your vision statement. You're creating something new and don't want it cast in the old image. The old feelings are bringing the past back; in program talk, you're not letting go.

Completely let go of your fear and imagine having a brand-new experience. What do you imagine it feels like to live without this fear? What does it feel like to succeed in your goal of dating, having fun, having a relationship, and growing spiritually? Remember, if you can imagine it, you can create it.

I'd feel: (Example: grateful, happy, joyous, and free entitled, like I deserve it)

This was Lisa's "aha" moment. Not feeling deserving was the hidden factor that sabotaged earlier attempts at healthy dating for her. As long as she didn't feel deserving, her choices reflected her low self-esteem. As you go through this process, you will find your hidden factor too.

5. What is a symbolic image of what it feels like to deserve?

Image: (Example: Lisa's symbolic image was a picture of her at the beach, walking in the sunlight. The sand in front of her was washed free of footprints. She felt like she was literally walking into new territory and deserved to do it.)

Lisa's final step was to ask her Higher Power to remove anything that kept her from feeling deserving so that she could be of greater service.

This process offers a way to gain insight and self-understanding and, ultimately, to have more awareness in making conscious choices. Healing comes in spiritual time, not necessarily according to your clock, as Mart's story shows:

Matt realizes he isn't ready to date yet. He has worked closely with his sponsor for two years. His rage had taken him almost to the point of murder; he entered recovery after a six-month stay in a locked treatment facility.

Mart's father was an active alcoholic, and his drinking binges terrorized the family on a regular basis. Mart's mother would hide him and his brother under the bed while she distracted their father to keep him from attacking them. It usually ended with her getting beaten and Matt and his brother screaming in fright. Matt felt a deep sense of guilt about not being able to protect his mother and brother. He began drinking at twelve years of age to quiet the screams in his head. He quit school and joined the army as soon as he could. His disease progressed, taking him through a series of bad relationships, which always resulted in threatening his girlfriendsas he had learned to do at home. He eventually married, and when he lunged at his wife with a kitchen knife, she called the police and brought charges against him. The army gave him the ultimatum of going into treatment or doing time in the stockade. He took the treatment option.

During his Step work, he saw that his relationships were all tangled up with guilt, fear, and angermodeled on the one he grew up with. He partnered with women he felt needed "saving." He always became violent, couldn't stop, and psychologically couldn't leave. He felt like the little boy trapped under the bed again.

Matt realized he had learned about relationships from his family as a frightened youngster under the bed. He felt guilty about hiding and for not being able to defend his mother against his father's rage. His pattern of saving women became his way of rescuing her.

Matt is choosing not to date until he has healed from those childhood wounds. He attends meetings regularly and is receiving additional therapy. He's a volunteer at an abused women's shelter, where he works with children. Matt finally found the perfect way to rescue himself, his brother, and his mother and feels it may be exactly what he was born to do.

Summary Points

Another Fourth Step specifically on past relationships brings new insight.

Symbol and ceremony help heal past trauma by unlocking your spiritual power and transforming negative patterns.

Forming a clear vision about your decision to date (as well as anything you are planning to do) helps keep you on course and gives you a warning signal if you start to stray too far off the path. You still have to make a choice about what to do when the "bell" rings.

Recovery is about making conscious choices. The more we clean out the past, the more self-awareness we bring into the present, and the better the chance of having a new experience.

Healthy relationships depend on each of the two partners being whole people; this means having boundaries. In the next section we'll look at the importance of boundaries in all aspects of your life and as a must have for all of your relationships. Boundaries: don't leave home without them.

Stage Two: Single and Dating

Let's imagine the day has arrived for you to add dating to your life as a single person. You're going to keep thinking and acting like a single person. You'll continue your self-discovery, learning more about yourself through interacting with another person. Your intimacy bond remains within yourself, and your commitment to recovery is still your primary focus. If either of those two things gets compromised, the deal is off!

Kids

There may be a possibility that the woman of your dreams has a kid or two. Though I have never understood why, this freaks some men out. At least you know she's fertile. For some reason guys think because she's got a kid or two she's damaged goods.

That is the way an asshole thinks. What should it matter? Apparently her first relationship didn't work out. This doesn't mean that if you get into a relationship with her that it's doomed from the get-go. If she has a kidor kidsgrow up! I know that a lot of guys don't want an Instant Family and that's fine. I also know a lot of super-hot chicks who have kids and don't date much because of it. (And I mean super-hot.)

So, just find out before you take her out if she's got any kids. If she's got a few, just smile and move away from her if it makes you that uncomfortable. But don't treat her like she's got the plague!

One more note, just because she's got kids doesn't mean she's easy. Don't ever assume she's going to have sex with you just because you bought her a meal. Always be kind and respectful. That's building good Karma and we could all use some good Karma.

What we learned:

■ Some women already have kids. If you don't want to deal with that, be upfront about it. Never waste her time.

Bad reputation

You might not give a damn about your bad repin fact, you're probably proud of itbut she sure as hell cares about hers. She doesn't want anything to mess with her chances of getting a good guy and, perhaps eventually, a good husband. She also doesn't want you to think she's some kind of slut. Even if she is easy, she doesn't want anyone else to think it.

I once knew a guy who had a really good first date with a chick and then he jumped the gun and asked her, "So can I stay over at your place tonight?" And he wondered why she turned cold after that. I told him, "It's really simple, stupid. One of the biggest dating rules is that you never ask a chick if you can stay at her place. Whatever chance you had just went down the tubes. Why? Because, after you say something like that, she thinks you think she's a cheap ho and that makes her feel bad about herself."

Don't ever invite yourself to her place. Ever, even if you're getting "vibes" that she wants you to stay over. If she wants this, she will let your know. There will be no shadow of doubt. She doesn't want you to think that she's "easy" or "cheap" and if you ask this dumb-ass question, that's precisely what you're telling her you think of her. You're telling her that all you're interested in is sex.

Believe me, once you let a woman know this, she will turn ice cold. It's true. Yes, it is. It might not make sense, but I know women think in these terms. Even if she's forty years old, she's still concerned with getting a bad reputation. Always wait for an invite! Always!!! Never, ever invite yourself up to some chick's pad! It will get you a one-way ticket to nowhere.

Now you can invite her to your pad, but do it nicely, "I have some really good gin at my place. Want to come up for a drink? You know, just a drink. I would love to keep talking to you."

I know that your greasy little mind is going to be on sex the entire evening, but never let her know it is. And when you invite her, don't think you're going to get lucky.

On the other hand, if she thinks you're not that interested in sex, she's going to want to know why. Why doesn't he desire me? I've got to figure this guy out. Coming on too strong with a lady is going to get you a ticket homealone. Holding back and letting her come to you might just be your ticket to a night of wild monkey sex.

Let me reiterate. The more you act like you're not interested in sex, the stronger she will come on to you. Don't ever show that's all you're interested inwe all know it isuntil she comes to you. Don't ever assume that she wants it. She might, but if you tell her you know what she's thinking, she's going to turn cold.

What if you do screw up and do something like the idiot I mentioned above? Claim stupidity. Tell her that you're drunk. That you didn't mean it. Tell her you were only joking. Laugh it off. Say you're sorry and if you still have a chance, she'll let you know. And move on to another subject quickly. Women do have long memories but if you brush it off, she may brush it off as well because she'll be embarrassed. And the reason she'll be embarrassed is because she'll think she's the one jumping the gun.

One of the most important things you can do is to think before you speak. She's keeping score, believe me.

What we learned:

■          Women do care about their reputations.

■          Women don't want you or anyone else to think they're a cheap ho.

■          Never invite yourself to her place.

■          Invite her to your place only if you get the vibe she's digging you.

LEARN THESE TOP 10 RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDES!

1.     I will be happy by having goals and letting go of attachment to outcomes

2.     I strive to live and "be" in the present

3.     I love, accept, and trust myself

4.      I focus on connecting, not results; a partner is someone to love, not an object or a goal

5.            I strive to be authentic; being fully honest with myself and others, aligning my words, values, and actions

6.            I strive to live my life with intentionality; making choices conscious of my goals and consequences

7.      I strive to take the necessary risks, overcome my fears, and stretch my comfort level to reach my goals

8.     I assume abundance; all the opportunities and resources that I need will appear

9.     I take responsibility for my outcomes by taking initiative in my life and relationships

10. What others judge about me is about them; I strive to let go of what others think and not take it personally she wanted to be with someone who was on the same path. Still, she wondered if she was being a little harsh. It was only their first date, after ail Maybe Richard didn't feel ready to Open up and reveal all his future dreams.

She felt another red flag as they talked about dating. Although Dorothy didn't reveal that Richard was her very first date, she did say that she'd joined the dating service less than a month ago.

Richard added, "Finding a woman by the end of the year is my goal! I sure don't want to grow old alone."

Dorothy didn't want to grow old alone, either, but look at his attitude! Finding a woman was his goal, as if she were a trophy. Was Richard looking for a lifelong partner, or just a woman to crawl into bed with at night?

"I don't think anyone wants to grow old alone," Dorothy agreed, trying not to be reactive. "Yet, I would rather be alone than settle for a situation in which I was unhappy."

Richard nodded and said, "I just can't tell you how much I miss coming home to a woman! Night after night, I walk into a dark house, and it just eats at me."

Dorothy leaned over the table, ready to point out to Richard how desperate he sounded. Instead, she took a sip of ice water and kept her thoughts to herself. Her objective here was not to correct Richard. Being authentic to herself, she knew that she wanted to be with a man who shared her vision for a committed relationship.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Richard said.

"Oh, I was just thinking about how men and women in our society often relate to each other."

"What do you mean?" Richard asked.

"I think that, in part due to the influence of the media, men and women often objectify each other by focusing on the outside package, whether it's about one's age or one's looks."

"I'm following you," Richard said, "In my own past, I feel like some women have focused on the material things about me, like my business or income, rather than getting to know the real me. For example, I've dated a couple of women who were definitely attracted to me because I earned over two hundred thousand dollars a year, owned a house, and vacationed in Hawaii."

"And did you feel that you were objectifying these women, too?" Richard's chest jutted forward. "Perhaps I was," lie admitted. "Both were much younger than me and very attractivethey had previously been models."

Richard looked away from the table, as if he were envisioning those young beauties again. The expression on his face made Dorothy feel defensive.

Then Richard looked back at her. "Neither relationship lasted more than a few months. We really didn't have much in common, and it was clear that we didn't share the same values."

"I think it's normal to respond eagerly when we feel attracted to someone," Dorothy said, feeling less defensive now that Richard was opening up. "That chemistry thing is very powerful, if you know what I mean."

They both laughed out loud.

Dorothy wanted to ask Richard more questions - previously, had he only been looking for a certain package in a woman? Was he still in that mind-set? Bui she felt careful about getting TOO personal TOO quickly, since this was only their first date. Dorothy was well aware of the fact that she herself could fall into a sort of Scarcity Trap. There were days when she felt like she was get-

ting too old, and her supply of possible partners was running out. But then, she caught herself No, she was not going to settle for less just so she wouldn't be alone.

After chatting for over an hour, Richard asked Dorothy if she wanted to share some dessert. They decided on cheesecake. In between spoonfuls, their conversation grew lighter. At 5 p.m., they rose from the table and walked outside. Dorothy thanked Richard and added,

"I would lore to take you up on your original offer for dinner some night!"

"I'd be delighted," Richard said.

Although she felt cautious-there were some red flags about Richard-it also seemed too early to judge. Getting to know him a little better seemed fair, and she had really enjoyed their conversation.

Getting back into her car, Dorothy smiled. She was proud of herself for passing her first day of relationship boot camp,

REQUIREMENTS INACTION

Lei's say lhai you're at a speed-dating event and you have an eight-minute conversation with this really attractive man/woman. You go home and just can't get your mind off of him/her. You call all your friends to gush, feeling like an animal in the wild. Helen Fisher, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University and author of Anatomy of Love, says this is not as farfetched as it may seem: "I think that you can fall in love with somebody in much less than eight minutes of conversation, but eight minutes will do. I think we are animals that were built for love at first sight. Within the animal community, it's my guess that this brain circuitry for attraction, it can be very spontaneous and we've inherited that and indeed you see evidence of this."

But how do you know if this eight-minute love-fest is real? We all want to tiptoe through the tulips and feel good, but the danger here is that we often choose either our head or our heart. Chemistry is not something that you can control. It's either there or not there. But you can use your feelings of attraction as radar. This is how we identify somebody to Scout, Sort, and Screen. It's a given! If you weren't attracted, you wouldn't be interested in them in the first place. To identify who to scout, follow your feelings of attraction. But when you're engaging them, use your head as well as your heart.

When I was first getting to know Maggie, we discovered the book Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be by Eve Eschner Hogan. We wanted to be conscious and take things one step at a time, and this book was a great asset because it's filled with open-ended questions that couples can ask each other to find out whether this romantic partner is "the one." Intellectual Foreplay includes guidelines for working with a partner's responses, and to help prepare couples to have fulfilling relationships. As you might recall from the Introduction, Maggie and I developed a routine of talking on the telephone in the evening and taking turns asking each other questions from the book. It was enjoyable to sec that the more we tested each other's realities, the more excited we were about being together. Also at the time, both of us had worked hard to clarify our own Requirements. I can't stress this enough. Just making a list won't do; you've got to refine your Requirements and be committed to them, or you are not going to be happy.

How do you know if a Requirement is met? Follow these three steps:

1. Review your Requirements.

Remember that Requirements are not just an abstract list of ideas or values; they are so big, and so core, as to be absolutely real and unambiguous. If you are unsure, have to think about it, or believe it is possible to live without it in a relationship, it is NOT a Requirement. A Requirement is so core to who you are and what you need that you would have to leave a relationship if it were not met. When this much energy exists around something, it tends to force or drive events. If you are ambivalent about whether a Requirement is being met, just give it time. If it is not being met, the issue will get larger and larger until it eventually breaks the relationship up, regardless of each partner's wishes.

2."Operationalize" your Requirements.

This means that you are specific about what the Requirement means behaviorally. What would need to happen or not happen for it to be met? Events such as "monogamy" and "loves children" are unambiguous. Traits, values, ideas, labels, etc. such as "romantic," "integrity," and "trust" are too vague.

3. Be aware of your experience of your Requirements with this person.

What matters is that the Requirement is met in a way that works for you. You can rationalize and argue "trust," but what matters is that you have the experience of trust that is important to you in a relationship.

When we put language to Requirements, we are really trying to describe and be conscious of something we must experience in a relationship for it to work for us. This can be subjective, but in the end that is all that matters. You might ask, for example, "If I have mist issues, then isn't it my 'stuff and not about my partner?" But ALL Requirements are about YOU, and it is largely up to you whether they are met or not. Early in a relationship, it is not always clear if a Requirement is met or not. If you are single and screening a possible partner, or in a pre-committed relationship, and you are not sure if a Requirement is met, you can choose to give it more time. While you might feel a sense of urgency, the reality is that there is no emergency and no need to hurry to make a decision

about a relationship. It" you give it more time and you are STILL unsure, then take that as a "no."

If you are ambivalent about whether a Requirement is being met, just give it time. If it is not being met, the issue will get larger and larger, until it eventually breaks the relationship up, regardless of each partner's wishes.