Passing the Buck

When intimacy or commitment doesn't line up, we sense it and smell change in the wind. Anticipating change often brings fear. Remember the formula for emotions: feel them, name them, interpret them, and act appropriately. When we haven't put words on our fear, we act it outinappropriately It's not unusual for one partner to use acting-out behavior in an attempt to force the other person to leave. Examples of such behaviors include the following:

Being emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive

Creating distance by withholding communication, time, or expressions of love

Failing to keep promises, such as sexual exclusivity

Acting chronically discontent and finding fault constantlythe list of problems just keeps getting longer

Withholding affectionthe day-to-day smiles or hugs that keep people together

Constantly arguing over meaningless things

No longer talking about future plans

Not returning each other's calls

Sex, Single, and Staying Sober

Mother Nature's insurance policy

Rock-my-world-now sex

Three reasons why relationships fail

Play the Easy Does It Dating Game

Nature has provided well for herself. Sex is a force to be reckoned with. This amazing drive is directly connected to our "lizard brain," the part of our mind that was wired for survival when we lived next door to the Flintstones. It contains the instinct to reproduce in order for the species to continue as well as a strong bonding force to hold a couple together. Sex, however, isn't an instinct that always has to be acted on like eating, drinking water, or sleeping. We have a choice as to when, where, and with whom we engage our sexual instinct.

This book is not suggesting any particular moral code regarding sexuality. Its purpose is to give you information and suggestions about healthy dating and relating, with the thought that an informed choice is a good one. However, what you do with this information is up to you. As is often heard in other aspects of recovery, take what works for you and leave the rest.

Asking for a Date

This is a good time for the fly-on-the-wall trick. Observe how cool and confident you are. Avoid hedging your bet by using that nebulous sometimeas in "Do you want to go out sometime?" Have a place and a couple of dates in mind. If the answer is no, realize it isn't about you; the person doesn't even know you.